i have this voice in my head.
not one of those scary, have to take lithium kinds of voices. a voice that’s always been there and that i inherited from my mother, and she from hers. call it a twisted legacy of sorts.
i know that a lot of people have an inner critic, but i believe that mine is exponentially more critical than most. it is also exceedingly insistent and oppressively loud.
this voice tells me that i am unoriginal, unintelligent, and that people don’t really like me – they just sort of humor me and put up with me and then say mean things about me when i’m not around.
this voice tells me that i will never have a meaningful relationship because why would a man ever love me when every other woman out there has so much more to offer.
this voice tells me that i’m going to be mediocre or outright fail at everything i try, so i usually just end up giving up before i even start.
this voice is why i don’t make much artwork anymore. in fact i haven’t really made much of anything in the past two years.
the conversation goes something like this:
me: wow, i have this great idea for a new series.
voice: you know, someone probably already did that.
me: so what, it will still be mine.
voice: yeah, but yours will never be as good.
me: uh, well, you’re probably right, but my friends like what i make.
voice: they’re just saying that so they don’t hurt your feelings. besides, it’s what the art world thinks, and they will never like your work. you should just give up now.
the conversation is pretty much the same for everything. just enter a new subject.
i’m tired of this voice.
it needs to go away.
about me
- ellieherrity
- i am a dreamer, an idealist, a creator, an introvert, a thinker, and an all-around neat person...if i do say so myself.
28 September 2007
voices
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4 comments:
Ah yes, I know this voice well. I think its brother lives in my head. And believe me when I say trying to drown it in alcohol doesn't work, I've tried.
I finally had to say f*** it. Easier said than done, I admit, but it had to be done in order to live.
On a completely unrelated note, I had something to ask you but I cannot remember for the life of me. Any ideas?
Michael
putting asterisks in curse words is as useful as bleeping them out on television.
i've never really understood that.
you already know what i would probably say here so instead of that im just going to say i love you.
and your art. and your voices. and newton.
The thing about the asterisks is true, but I'm not exactly going to type the word on someone else's blog. Perhaps I shouldn't have typed it at all, but it exactly expresses my attitude like no other word can.
And I can never remember the symbols they use in the old cartoons.
We (Candi and I) miss both you guys.
And elizabeth, take it from the ultimate cynical pessimist without a verbal filter (although I'm getting better), I like your art. And you too.
Michael
(and yes, I still cannot remember whatever it was.)
I pray for you to realize your talent and beauty every day when I look at your pieces hanging on my walls. I think you are very gifted and I am always desiring to see more work. Damn the voice. You are an artist. We all doubt, but push through-you are beauty.
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