my grandmother

i'd like you to meet my grandmother, born Billie Maxine Fitzjohn on october 19th, 1927. this was her high school senior picture. i get my dark hair from her.
i am leaving on thursday morning with my mother, sister, niece and nephew to visit my grandmother and celebrate her 80th birthday. which means i get to spend the weekend in missouri.
i've always had a difficult time with knowing what to think or feel about my grandmother. she's the only grandparent i've ever known, and i don't even really know her. she has always had a neverending supply of love, time and energy for the people she ministered to in africa, but never seemed to be able to do the same for her own family. even when she came home from the mission field, she settled down far away from her own children. i've always wished i had the grandmother who taught me how to bake and sew and knit and told stories and did all the 'grandma' type things. and i sort of resent that she wasn't that grandma. and then i feel bad about myself for resenting her.
and then she sends me books by pat robertson. and it reminds me that she doesn't know me at all.
sometimes i wonder if it would have been easier to have never had any grandparents, rather than to have to daily mourn the loss of someone who is still alive.