journey

i can't remember for the life of me why, but sometime in high school i decided that i wanted to learn how to quilt. which is kind of odd, because up until then i had never really had any desire to learn how to make anything. (i thought about learning how to knit once when i was 16, but it's really hard to figure it out using just the encyclopedia.) so my mom broke out her box of scraps and we put together the red, white and blue dealie in the picture. and then that was it for several years.

fast-forward to college.

since my sister was always the 'artist' and i wanted to be as different from her as possible, music had been my thing since early childhood. at one point i taught myself how to play nearly a dozen different instruments. i went into college as a music major. and within the first semester realized that i may have had the technical ability to play instruments, but did not have the inner passion to create music. but as i looked around i realized that all the friends i had surrounded myself with were art majors. i had found my soul mates.

one of these artists in particular encouraged me to go back to quilting, since it was the only creative process i knew. so i created the multicolored dealie pictured below. it was the beginning of a long and sometimes difficult creative journey.

i ended up taking more and more art classes, since they seemed to be the only ones i really enjoyed. i took ceramics for the first time my junior year and made 4 times the number of projects as anyone else. i was hooked. but i still did not consider myself an artist. artists were pompous, intellectual creatures who made completely incomprehensible works. artists were people i admired, like jackson pollock and alexander calder. i made blankets and bowls.

i ended up taking so many art classes that i realized it would only take 2 more and i would have a degree. but those included making a portfolio and having a show. i didn't really see the point, since i was not an artist, but i went ahead and signed up for the classes. september and october rolled by, the date for my show was looming only a month ahead, and i had not made a single piece for my show.

and then my life fell apart. a 4 year long relationship ended, and i was completely devastated. and for the first time in my life, i turned to the creative process to help work through my heartache. i hung my pieces up for everyone to see, stood back and looked at what i had done, and finally realized that yes, i am an artist.

in the 8 years since that first show, i have struggled with learning what it means for me to be an artist. but i have also struggled with the place of 'crafts' or 'domestic arts' in my life. besides quilting i have learned how to knit and cook and bake and sew, and i love those processes. (which my friends still think is funny, because i am so not a domestic person. being a housewife would be my own personal version of hell.) somewhere in the back of my mind, those processes are not art. and i feel bad about the time i spend on them, because i could be using that time to make 'real' art.

i guess the next phase of the journey is finding the place in my life for all these processes that i love and making things because i enjoy it and not because it has to be 'art'.

having said all that, let me introduce you to my first new quilting project in nearly 6 years. my mom's paternal grandmother was an avid quilter. when she died she left one of her last projects at the phase of cutting out the pieces. so i have a pile of pieces that when put together will make an entire blanket of these figures.

at the pace i quilt at, it should be done in the next 7 or 8 years.
don't hold your breath.

i made it!

i'm back from mexico!
and it was a wild 4 days.

as you all probably gathered from my last post, i was beyond anxious about this trip. i was terrified. as i was driving towards LAX at 3am thursday morning, i found myself actually begging God...
'God, please let me get a flat tire. that way i'll miss my flight. pleasepleasepleaseplease.'
and when that failed to happen it turned to...
'God, please let my car break down. pleasepleasepleaseplease.'
which shortly turned into...
'God, please let me get into an accident. pleasepleasepleaseplease.'
which after i got onto the plane eventually turned into...
'God, please let the plane crash. pleasepleasepleaseplease.'
(you know you don't want to do something when a horrible death in a raging diesel-fueled inferno is preferable.)
apparently you were all praying really hard for me, because none of those things happened.
shoot. *

i won't get into the details here (for a full-blown story, just ask. i'll talk your ear off) but i managed to get myself to the charming town of Actopan in the state of Hidalgo, checked into my hotel, and met the group of people who were spending their week building houses in the nearby village of Santiago de Anaya. it was a group of three Episcopalian churches from various parts of North Carolina. and they were the most gracious, welcoming bunch i could ever have hoped for. they heard who i was and why i was there and without question welcomed me into their group and put me instantly at ease. it is now hard to believe that i only spent a few days with them, because it felt like i had known them all for a long time. they definitely turned a stressful trip into something enjoyable and memorable and i am infinitely grateful for them.

once again, i won't give all the gritty details here, but i definitely learned a lot from this short trip. besides the practical things i was sent to learn, i also learned a lot about myself.

but just so i can prove i was actually there, here are a few photos.

the fiesta in Santiago de Anaya.

the Catholic church in Santiago de Anaya.

a view of the Cathedral from the Aztec ruins at the Templo Mayor in Mexico City.

the last of the Diego Rivera murals at the National Palace in Mexico City.

* all mentions of wishing for physical harm and/or death are purely for dramatic litereary effect. the author really has no desire to be injured and/or dead and has a nasty habit of over-using hyperbole and sarcasm.

baby steps

i have spent the majority of my day in the midst of what i am dubbing a 'minor freakout'. you could also call it a panic attack, but 'minor freakout' doesn't seem to have so many extra clinical connotations. (you know the scene in the beginning of the movie 'the holiday' where cameron diaz's character is in the middle of a freakout? kinda like that. but in my head.)

i was informed this morning that upon arriving at the airport in mexico city tomorrow morning, there will not be anybody meeting me. i have been given instructions on how to get from the airport to the bus terminal and then on to the hotel in Actopan (2 hours north of mexico city) where i will be meeting those volunteers who have been working there all this week.

i have done a great deal of international travel, but never alone. or at least intentionally alone.
i have been assured by several people both here and in mexico that this adventure is not beyond my abilities. but it doesn't seem to be helping much.
i hate to admit it, but i'm a bit of a control freak. i never travel without first spending hours researching modes of transport and other various facts. i am soothed by information. so i think that the fact that this was dumped on me less than a day before departure is the main source of anxiety.

so i think that the way to get through this is to ignore the mountain in front of me and take things one at a time. like in 'what about bob'. baby steps...

el presidente

the news is that el presidente fidel castro has resigned.
it will be interesting to see what happens next...

ouch

one of these things is not like the others...

last weekend we did a lot of walking. and by a lot, i mean a LOT.
like a sensible person, i wore my running shoes a majority of the time. my feet seemed fairly happy.
but all this past week my big toes felt a little sore. i figured it would go away over time and ignored it. after all, my big toes are usually pretty sore even after a long day at disneyland. it's nothing new.
then friday night i took off my shoes and took a look at my left foot, which was still giving me trouble, and saw this bad boy staring back at me.
good thing i'm not particularly vain about my feet.

my date

i hope everyone had a lovely 'singles awareness day'.
let me tell you about mine.

micah and i decided that today would be a good day to drive out to ontario and have a date with Bono. we checked out the website yesterday and decided on the 7pm show.
after work we grabbed some dinner and went on our merry way up the 15 freeway. we got to the theater and by this time were fairly giddy with anticipation. we looked at the board with the show times and could not find U23D. so micah asked one of the workers what the deal was.

'oh, yesterday was the last day we showed that.'

words cannot express the range of emotions that were felt.
it is almost fitting that it happened on this day. considering my history with v-day, it should be no surprise that i was stood up for a celluloid date. i just never imagined that Bono would be the type of guy to flake out on a girl. go figure.

so instead we saw 'atonement'. not at all what i expected. and not really a replacement for what we really wanted to see.
and for the second time today, all i have to say is...poop.

events

many of you are aware that i have a deep and abiding crush on mr. richard melville hall.
aka: moby

i have no shame. i think he's super-neat.
micah, sara and i trekked down to san diego to see him on the tour for his album hotel.
he has not released a new album since and has no plans to tour for the album being released next month. i don't really blame him for preferring to stay close to home and play small shows and hang out with his friends. but that leaves those of us on the left coast with very few options to bask in the creative genius that is moby.

yesterday i was checking out his journal, which i am known to do frequently. every once in a while he lets his fans know when he has an upcoming dj-ing engagement. these are most often in new york or in europe. but yesterday it said that he will soon be dj-ing along with mos def at UC Riverside. i had to rub my eyes and look at it several times to make sure i was reading it right. moby?! in riverside?! when?!

saturday, february 23rd.

i'll - be - in - mexico - city

i also have no shame to admit that i started crying.
what are the odds that moby will ever be in riverside again?

poop

my holga

one of my numerous camera friends is a $20 plastic-fantastic that is held together with rubber bands and electric tape. it uses 120 film and shoots some pretty amazing pictures considering its pedigree.
but because of the cost of purchasing and developing 120 film, i use it sparingly. friday afternoon i picked up my most recent prints at intellicolor.
i think i need to use my holga more often.

exhaustion

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

great literature, and also the perfect summary for my weekend.

it's hard to find the words for what we were put through. it was a perfectly orchestrated 48 hours designed to push us all to our limit and teach us what we need to know about travelling internationally. like a world-travel bootcamp, if you will.

i am
physically
emotionally
and mentally

exhausted

and i wouldn't change a minute of it.

this weekend

this weekend should be fun.
in an 'i want to lay down and die' kind of way.

this weekend is 'intensive training weekend' for all the teams being sent out on service project trips this year. we are meeting at the school at 6pm tonight and are not going home until 6pm sunday night.
we are being woken up in time to have breakfast at 4:45 tomorrow morning. followed by a walk that lasts somewhere around an hour and a 6am devotional.
the director of service projects has said that her goal is to have as many of us as possible break down into tears before the wekend is over. too late. i think i started misting over yesterday.
it should be an awesome weekend of learning and being stretched and coming together as a team.
but i plan on coming home sunday night in a state somewhat like this...

needless to say, i'm not really planning on going to work monday morning.

there will be...

every year i say that i'm going to see every movie that was nominated for best picture. and every year i never get around to it. i decided to make more of an effort this year. so yesterday afternoon i went to see 'there will be blood'. wow. i found this film to be virtually flawless. the score was haunting and made me physically uncomfortable, which i think only added to the overall feel of the film. the cinematography was spectacular. the acting was fantastic. (those who say that paul dano is not a strong enough actor to play against daniel day-lewis are completely wrong.) and the director and editor seemed to know exactly how to use long, uncomfortable silences and awkward framing. it was magnificent. and completely disturbing.

but the point of this rambling is not a film critique. it is a completely unrelated observance. those of you who go to movies with me know that i always sit through all the credits. always. so at the very end of the credits for this film it said that 'this production was 100% carbon-neutral'.
hmmmmmm. interesting....
i can understand the motivation for this, considering the above-pictured scene where an entire oil derrick goes up in a spectacular and long-lasting ball of flame.
but i just don't understand carbon offsets. instead of making personal changes to decrease individual production of greenhouse gasses, we pay someone money who supposedly does something good for the environment so i can make my conscience feel better.
then again, it's the american way!
but that's just my opinion...

viaje

here's an interesting development...

for various technical and practical reasons, it was decided by the 'powers that be' that some sort of scouting trip was required before i bravely led 9 students down to mexico.
it was also decided that the actual team leader would be a good choice to send, since the information gleaned would be of most use to me.
so that means that starting on february 21st, i will be trekking down to mexico city for the weekend to check things out.
luckily the excitement is so far masking the abject terror at the prospect of travelling alone in mexico city.
i know it will be a great trip. i'll be able to have an idea of what to do and where things are before i have 9 students in tow. but i just wish i could find the button to turn off the 'what-if' function in my head that always seems to gravitate towards the absolute worst-case-scenario.

everyone's prayers for safe travel are, of course, always welcome.

resolution?

it has been bothering me for a week that i have no idea how vertigo ends.
so my only solution was to go onto netflix and put it at the top of my queue.
and then i noticed that it is one of the titles that is available for 'instant viewing'.
i have been intrigued by this feature for some time, but have never felt the pressing need for 'instant viewing'. i consider myself to be a fairly patient individual, and see no problem with waiting for a few days for the next DVD to make it's way to me via the US postal service.
but this time i felt the need.
i clicked on 'play now'.
and then spent the next half hour being bombarded by 'you need to download this first' popup boxes and 'restart you computer now' prompts.
slightly frustrating.
but then the movie started and i felt victorious.
so i patiently watched the movie again, enjoying it but feeling a growing sense of expectation.
then i reached the exact moment where it had ended before...

...and watched the last 5 seconds of the movie.

uhm.

ok.

some words that come to mind are 'anticlimactic', and maybe 'underwhelming'.
at least now i know.